Saturday, October 22, 2005

Melancholic mood

Oh dear....I know, its already been a year but i just can't explain why I sometimes still get overwhelmed by emotions...always when I am alone, in the middle of the night, or whilst am driving

I wonder if I am the only one in the family as no one speaks about personal grief anymore. perhaps different people cope in different ways and do not necessarily need the occasional outburst and tears like me.

I still cannot talk about her to anyone, even hubby, without fighting back the tears welling up in my eyes.....silly, as I have long accepted that she is no longer with us....but still....sad I feel...inexplicable.

Moving into my new place reminded me of her
My wedding reminded me of her
Family birthday celebrations reminds me of her
Visits to hospitals reminds me of her
Plus it didn't help, that I'd just watched All About Love - good, poignant...sad...

When I was younger, I'd always thought attendance at several funerals meant I now comprehended what death was. But I was wrong. No one really understands death until someone very close to them is taken away. is the start of the long awaited weekend no more wasting snap out of melancholy now! :)

In loving memory

I remember too well:
when i learnt you were ill and yet well enough to nag me to go collect my new Mykad;
when i drove you to the hospital, with you complaining that i was driving way too fast even at 60kmph;
when i comforted you by telling you things will be alright and that there was nothing to fear

I remember too well:
when you asked me how life in KL was;
when you told me you worried about me lots when i was not in penang;
when you signed the consent form for the operation, probably one of the few times you would ever have needed to write your name in english

I remember too well:
your smile as the nurse complimented you on your lovely handwriting;
your quiet laugh when i told you about my second-cousins' wedding dinner the night before;
your adamance that none of us told our relatives you were sick as you did not want to inconvenience others

I remember too well:
waiting outside the operating theatre with Dan Brown's Digital Fortress in hand;
accompanying grandpa and uncle YW who were as anxious as I was;
constantly sms-ing mum, dad and bro, who were all at work, to keep them abreast of developments

I remember too well:
the sigh of relief and silent prayer i said when informed the operation was a success;
the delight of seeing you and talking to you again;
the anticipation of checking you out of the hospital in two days time

I remember too well:
when we popped into the hospital the next day in high spirits;
how our bubbles of joy burst when we were greeted by the grim faced doctor ;
when informed that complications were setting in

I remember too well:
seeing the nurses wheeling you into ICU;
seeing you going through the CT scan;
seeing you battle to speak to us when we were allowed to visit you on an individual by individual basis

I remember too well:
the collective decision we made to transfer you to a neighbouring hospital to undergo another operation;
the silent tears streaming down our cheeks as we huddled together;
the hope we carried as we fervently prayed that you would get through the ordeal

I remember too well:
when the surgeon told us that there was not much hope;
that there was no point putting you through surgery and further pain for nought;
the decision to let you leave us in peace

I remember too well:
us gathered around you, crying;
how peaceful you looked with your eyes closed;
how that would be the last time I had held your hands and told you that I loved you

In loving memory of my maternal grandma who passed away at 11:55 p.m. 9 November 2004....and yet, the pain of losing her remains indelibly etched in my heart

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Cooking up a storm II

Spurred on by the "success" on Friday, and of course, with nothing better to do on a Sunday afternoon (before I fell ill, that is...sheez)...I had, on impulse, decided to practise my culinary skills again....something which would keep and is convenient to reheat and eat during a weekday night.

And so I conjured up little munsta's fish pie :

Looks darn good, if I may say so myself....but the test is in its fingers crossed for validation this evening...ciao!

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Cooking up a storm

Am a lucky girl.....I don't stay with my parents, and yet I come home, almost every night, to a warm home-cooked meal...

nah...I don't have the dough to offer employment to a maid....but I have a hubby who loves to cook!!!!?

Late last Thursday night however, he erhm...playfully hinted "Haven't had your cooking for ages!!!".... to which I muttered "OK, tomorrow's my turn is out of bounds for you!"

Hehhehehe...having been spoilt rotten, I have been sadly out of practice. Used to cook regularly when I was a student in the UK coz:

  1. it would cost me an arm to eat take-away - and money from the scholarship hardly stretched that far anyway;
  2. it was a valid excuse to get away from my books - come to think of it, I was more willing to do laundry and house chores then..hehehe....anything legit (by my conscience's standards) to not pore over boring economics and accounting;
  3. plus working in the kitchen in the bitter cold of winter, when we poor students were scrimping on heating, was pure cosy warm bliss
Anyway, I what should I cook? I settled for lagasne...haven't whipped that up in ages...but hey, couldn't be that difficult, could it!?? took 2 hours to make a lagasne good for 6 pax (economics of the fact that I didn't own a smaller baking dish)....and voila, here's the end result:

Yeah, yeah...doesn't take a genious to tell that it hardly resembles one....but hey....remember that one should never judge a book by its cover?!? Hubby going back to the kitchen regularly and voluntarily (honestly, he did!) during the entire evening was testimony enough! :)

Monday, October 17, 2005


I hate being sick.
I hate being sick on Sundays.
I hate being sick on Sundays because it robs me of half my weekend.
I hate being sick on Sundays because it robs me of half my weekend, particularly when I have outings lined up with friends.

I hate being sick.
I hate being sick on Mondays.
I hate being sick on Mondays because it looks like I am taking a quick sickie to extend an overinduglent weekend.
I hate being sick on Mondays because it looks like I am taking a quick sickie to extend an overinduglent weekend, particularly in actual fact when I NEED to get to work to complete some urgent outstanding job.

I hate being sick.

But isn't that the whole point of being sick? It's never planned nor convenient izzit!?


Sunday, October 16, 2005

Blogging honeymoon

Yes...had 2 weeks off blogging due to the wedding - lack of time as well as internet access. To be honest, it had been such a packed fortnight that it was quite a refreshing change to not have the time to be needy and itching to get onto the Net....which made me wonder if sometimes one may end up documenting life and observations on blogs so much so that one forgets to savour life itself!

Got back to KL....coupled with hectic catching up of work load, sleep and erhm...general laziness ( leave a car idle for 2 weeks, bet it takes time to get the engine up and running)...and oops!! another one and a half weeks totally zipped let's just call that "lost" period my honeymoon from blogging....hahahah

Does not mean that I haven't been reading the regular blogs i frequent (yeah...being a closet busybody....its only natural that this is more addictive for me than actual blogging itself!!), nor does it mean that I've temporarily stopped thinking and observing...have tagged a lot of thoughts and stashed them away into the to-be-blogged-store....just that I've got to rekindle that flame for rambling...starting today...or maybe in the next post!