Frus!!
It is difficult when you are all alone, with no one to confide in. Not that loved ones are not near, but I know that there is no use in voicing out my concerns. They will be heard alright, but like a broken record, will also grate on nerves and cause tempers to flare. What is the point then?So try as I might, I let the issues gnaw away myself. I feel flustered and troubled. Unable to sleep. And yet have nowhere to turn to. No one to draw strength from. No one to soothe and emphatise with me.
As much as I hate to say this, disputes in respect of money matters do hurt a relationship. It isn't like I've known hubby very recently. In fact, even before saying "I do", I was already well aware of his spending habits. Without his knowledge, I've defended him numerous times against my parents' criticism. I've also constantly reassured myself that he is a responsible spender who knows what he is doing and that he has learnt from his past errors.
But honestly, I am really not so sure. Time after time, it happens again. And again. And again. Old habits die hard. And each time it recurs, I find it increasingly difficult to convince myself that it will not happen again. Deeply disappointed each time, I no longer try to mask my emotions anymore as I try to distant myself further and further away from the money draining decision.
I am a relatively cautious spender, eager to keep myself in the black all the time. He on the other hand, seems to be the exact opposite, touting the philosophy of "Money can be earned in the future - spend now and take care of it later"
It is really really frustrating. And I am well aware that he is spending not on himself, but for others. For family. For me. He calls me a stingy kill joy who cringes at spending for the family. "If you don't pamper them now, what makes you think you have many more years in the future to do so?"
However, does this justify spending money you have not yet earned? What about future expenses?
In the latest grand scheme of things:
- Plans to buy a Clavinova which is twice as expensive as the "basic, inferior model", the latter which we could already hardly afford in the first place
- A getaway to London with the inlaws for 3 days. Let me assure you that plane tickets and accommodation are not going to come cheap, and that is not counting expenses to be incurred whilst holidaying there.
I want to cry out, "Please don't spend a dime more than necessary. If you want, bring your parents to tour London and the like. I really don't want to go. It would be better for you to just use whatever funds you've budgeted for my portion to extend your holiday in London - at least make the tickets worthwhile."
And yet I bite my tongue and hold back as best as possible. I know you want me to go. To be part of the family. And the last thing I want to do is to ignite another heated argument again. But keeping this resentment within me continues to bug me, leaving me very very unhappy these days indeed.
You keep asking me if I have any issues which I am hiding from you. Truth be said, yes. But what good is voicing them to you only for them to be ignored and worst still, irritate you further? Open communications - humbug!
Most people (including, I suspect your parents) think we are really doing well, to be able to afford the luxuries you splash on (please don't tell me staying at a posh hotel or a weekend getaway to London are not luxuries damnit). But I know our books better. We can ill afford all these. But who am I to voice my own grouses about how your money is to be used? Not only will my whining fall on deaf ears, it is also bound to stir up a hornet's nest. What can I do except to shut up and play dumb? I do wish at times that I were really dumb and ignorant. At least my heart will not ache so.
I hate myself for not being able to accept you as you are. But this is really difficult for me. And I don't think what you are doing is right either.
munsta ramblings @ 4:32 am
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