Friday, January 11, 2008


Aunty asked "God" about Gramps and was apparently informed that his time is up. Also was informed that we shouldn't be requesting "God" to prolong Gramps' life - the max extension given will be 3 years, but in return, the requestor will have to trade 20 years of his/ her life.

I am sorry, but what "God" talks like that - seriously? Isn't God all about hope? I don't believe God sinks to such low levels to bargain this way! Plus it would also mean that I'll probably live a very short life too...considering that everytime I've prayed, I would ask for a longer and healthier life for Gramps and previously, Grandma too.

Things are not looking too good. Apparently, besides being as poorly as he was, a blood clot and a possible tumour has been detected today. Tears streaked down my cheeks quite a few times today, as bro updated me on developments via msn. So glad that I am home alone this weekend and thus, can cry to my heart's content without raising undue alarm.

As much as I declare that we have to accept that Gramps is getting old, I really really do not think I am ready for him to leave us. Not when he hasn't seen bro getting hitched yet. Not when he hasn't even met his great grandchild!

But hold on. Isnt' this very selfish of me?? All I am preoccupied with is that I want Gramps to be around. About what I want. Me.

How about looking at it from Gramps' perspective? I know he is far from comfortable. His kidneys are not working well, and he has water in his lungs. He can't sleep nor can he talk much. From an active healthy patriach, he is now reduced to an invalid stuck for most times in bed, having difficulty sitting up for long spells even. And now with the new blood clot and tumour. Surely, it must be painful.

My heart tugs to know he is suffering so. Sometimes, when I feel a little braver, I wish he would suffer less, even if it means that he may simply have to leave us earlier. But that thought vanishes in 2 seconds as tears stream down my face again. I am such a baby. With all the years chalked up, I am still very very bad at handling deaths and impending deaths of loved ones.

I only hope he holds up till I get home for Chinese New Year to see him. All I have in my hands now is this panaromic photo of hubby, myself and Gramps taken at the Gold Coast back in 1999 - happy smiley faces with our sunglasses on - propped against the tissue box on my bedside.

I love you so much Gramps. I really do.


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