Thursday, September 08, 2005

Tall, dark & ....

There's someone whom, for some reason or other, I simply cannot look in the eye.....everytime I have to speak to him, I feel uncomfortable. Oft times, I find myself shifting uneasily and answering in short, curt sentences. Sigh...i suppose it does not help that he is not only tall, dark and (some say) handsome but also has the 5 'C's as follows:

1. Comic wannabe
It is painful to watch someone try to be funny and falling flat on his face. It is even more excruciating (literally, my facial muscles ache when his stand-up comedy session drags for a prolonged period...but then, with him - any humour session is too long!) when, in the name of 'politeness', I freeze this semi-smile on my face the entire time he is telling his ultra-lame "jokes" and muster up what I hope passes off as polite laughs at deemed appropriate intervals. Sometimes I wish I could just walk away...but I don't know him well enough to be frank nor, sigh, i might as well be kind.

2. Conversation dud
And when he is not trying hard to be desperately funny....he offers a new dimension to the term "cut-and-paste". Huh??? Well...take the following scenario whereby you may be talking to just one other person. And when this person finishes making a point, he quickly steps in to summarise/ reword/ re-emphasise the same matter....sometimes even regurgitating it word-for-word, almost...and in a matter of sentences, adopts the entire idea/opinion as his own...voila...clever conversationist not! a general waste of everyone's time, i say...and down-right irritating to the max....which leads to the next point.

3. Condescending
He has one of the largest egos in the world...nevermind that most of what he says is unoriginal (refer to item (2) above), he has the cheek of imposing "his" opinion on you and refuses to even consider any alternative views. Not one with much patience, I do give up all manner of conversation sometimes - why bother and waste effort when you know it is futile and that your words/ideas bounces off your audience faster than a tennis ball hit by either of the William sisters. Of course, when talk becomes so ostentatiously lopsided, this concerned comment would inevitably crop up: "Are you OK? You're so incredibly quiet today!"

4. Creepy
Another penchant which he boldly demonstrates is that for slim fair-skinned females, 22 to 28 years of age, preferably sporting shoulder-length hair and able to converse in fluent English.

I accept the fact and do not find it the least offensive that guys do check chicks out....hey, we girls do the same too ....but all this checking out business requires tact, which means that the second sentence directed at a brand new female acquaintence (particularly if she's a friend of mine whom I've newly introduced!!! *rolls eyes up and shrivels with embarassment*) should not be any of the following:
  • So...are you attached?
  • Could I speak to you in private?
  • Can I give you a lift home?
Note: First sentence typically being "Hi, I'm Mr X!"

Hello!!! What kind of response are you expecting?!? The above easily triggers alarm bells in any girl with half a working brain! And this is even prior to Mr X demonstrating assets (1) to (3) above plus his touchy feely skills.

Eww...contrary to the chick magnet he perceives himself to be, I'd write him off as a creepy old man! yucks!

5. Clingy read right. The adjective is much used by harrassed blokes who lament about their chicks over mugs of beer during a lads-night-out. Never before have i ever heard this word used to describe a chap...but in this case, it cannot be more apt.

Woe betide if he spots you in a gathering....he has a tendency to corner you, and once latched onto you, it is just almost impossible to detach yourself from this super-sucker leech discreetly...even in the event when you excuse yourself to go talk to someone else across the room, he would follow suit...nevermind if he has no idea who your new conversation mates are.....he'll tag along, unless of course...he spots another chick, after which, refer to item (4) above. And if he somehow lays hands on your handphone're better off changing service providers.

Yes...tall, dark and handsome he may be....but personally, I much prefer to avoid him like plague.


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